Thank You For Your Emails

As we have finished the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational Emails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery!

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and Google are sending me for participating in their special Email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an Email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a *** molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this Email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their Email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by Email that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Now you all have yourselves a very good day, and have a great New Year!

Go Hawks!

So the Iowa Hawkeyes won the Insight Bowl last night by defeating Missouri 27-24.  Here was what I thought of the game:

• Ok, I was really sick and tired of hearing "How were you able to get your team focused for this game with everything that has happened?" Along with how the Hawkeyes defense gets tired in the 4th quarter.  I think they mentioned each of those things 50 times during the game.  C'mon Man.  There has to be something else you can say about the programs and game.
• I like Coker.  He's very Greene-like and shows determination.  Hopefully he can produce next year.
• What was the QB for Missouri thinking?  That was a VERY greedy play to try and make.  Anyway, bonehead plays get you in trouble, which what happened.  Props to Hyde for the return of that interception though.  Get that guy on KR's and PR's!  I bet he'll call a fair catch, instead of getting nailed right after the catch.  
• Ken O'Keefe - I don't like the guy, or rather, his play call style.  I did love the 3rd down play though, and if he would've done anything different I would have called him dumb.  The Hawks set that play up perfectly with their run-oriented game for the most part.  If you miss it, you pin them deep in their territory with 49 seconds left.  If you get the play, you win the game.  And as a coach that I like once said....You play to win the game!
• How classy is Kirk Ferentz?  That knee on the last play was full of respect and class, and it makes me proud that I follow the Hawks.  Any other team would have went in and got the TD.  The TD wasn't needed, and it's like throwing salt in an open wound.

Here's to next year folks.  I expect a similar record.  Will Keenan Davis breakthrough finally?  Is Vandenberg the real deal(My personal opinion is YES!)